rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
