I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
