I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
