Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
