cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
