I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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