apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
