I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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