I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
