miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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