woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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