Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
