I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
