i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize