Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
