Say something about gay babies.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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