everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize