How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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