i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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