1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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