i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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