i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
