Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
