god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
