dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
