Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
