is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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