Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
