Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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