She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
