dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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