I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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