i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
