I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
