my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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