Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
