You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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