look no pants
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
