I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
