every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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