I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
