im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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