When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
