there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
