God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
