Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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