You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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