woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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