Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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