she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
