My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
