I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Sext me about skeletons
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize