My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We're too hungover to prance.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
