He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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