I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
