Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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