HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
