Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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