airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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