we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
